I am so overwhelmed and lost right now, I don't know how to go on or function. I am not too happy with me right now either. I want to be in the park across the street right now watching the movie on the big screen with my kids and enjoying them and the evening and I cannot even do that right now. I feel fat, my back hurts, I feel like a big fat loser and such a mess.
I worked hard to get 15 year old stepson on Social Security for his disability(ies) and now that I succeeded, we are being punished by not qualifying for food stamps any more. How can I get the extra stuff we need for him if the extra money isn't extra any more because it has to replace the food stamps we have lost. Plus they "miscalculated" so now we owe them $511.00!!!! I have to cut out all the extra money that we spend, meaning cellphones and cable and internet! I just feel very alone right now. All Ellery does is say they are wrong and we have to fight it, but I think they may be right, but that doesn't make it any easier. I am in a questioning place about everything right now - my marriage, my role as a step mother - or not, would my 4 kids be better off if it was just us? I wish God would just come down and tell me what to do cause I REALLY DON'T KNOW and don't know how to hear God. I wonder if I have just done everything wrong and that's why I am where I am in my life. I don't know what my life is even supposed to be. I need a break, I need help, I need someone to take care of me for awhile! I just cannot stop crying right now! Help me Jesus!
Friday, July 24, 2009
Monday, July 20, 2009
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Can I get some cheese with my whine?!
I really hate whining or feeling sorry for myself, but today I don't know how else to get through everything except by venting! In honor of my English Class I am going to write in a Stream of Consciousness "style" So here we go...
I have had bronchitis for the past 2 weeks and it has kicked my butt. I started my English Comp II class last Monday and coughed most of the way through it! I did get antibiotics on Tuesday 07/07 so I only coughed through part of Wednesday's class. Did I mention that I HATE English, for no rational reason because I enjoy reading, but I do hate writing papers! So I just want to survive this class. I have to start my first paper tonight. My 17 year old (dsd) did come home on June 30th and at first everything seemed to be better than I really believed it could with her - she apologized to me and her dad and was being good with the kids and pretty respectful and talking about the bible. She was being patient and not mouthy and I really thought she had changed. Well, I guess she wasn't gone long enough because although she isn't quite as bad as she was, she is getting darn near it. She wants to be the boss and the 'queen' of the house and if this persists I just don't know what to do because I refuse to live in a constantly stressful tense environment! Although I seem to anyway with everything always going on.
In addition, I live with major depression and have most of life, although I wasn't treated with medication until 11 years ago - wow what a difference. Recently, the med I was on kind of wasn't working well any more so we are trying a new one - Zoloft and it hasn't been long enough yet, but I don't feel it's working any better than the other stuff at this dose, but I have to give it a couple more weeks. So the devil is trying to take advantage of my state like when I drive by cemetary I think how lucky those people are, or I think my 16 year old son would be better off if I was dead cause then he could go and live with his auntie or opa and not have to put up the stress of living at home with us. My husband and my son (his step-son) do not get along so well. Hubby is unrelenting in his criticism and nit-picking with him, when in fact, although he is a typical teenager in a lot of ways and doesn't always do things perfectly (who does?), he is a GREAT son! He does his 'job' more than anyone else, which isn't saying he does it all the time or does it perfectly, but he does it more than the others. Hubby is also jealous of son because him and I are close. My son understands me and some of what I am going through. I try not to burden him with stuff, but he brings up a lot of it up and we just talk about it. But if I bring any of this up with hubby, he doesn't see it, doesn't listen and gets quite defensive and upset. Granted he (hubby of course) is 17 years older than I and from a very different generation/culture, etc. but come on, just saying you are right and not listening to anyone doesn't make you right or mean you shouldn't at least do a little soul searching to see if what is said may have a little truth in it. There is always room for improvement in us. So there is quite a strain on our marriage right now, not just because of this, but there is SO much! The 15 year old who has mental health issues and still poops on himself amongst many other things. The 12 year old (13 in 3 days) who is trying to act like a little gangster. Which brings me to today's whine trigger. The almost 13 year expects stuff for his birthday and the day after his birthday is my 3 year old's 4th birthday and I have NO money! I cannot put gas in my cars right now, I cannot do anything. To top it off, the money I did have for gas and for hubby (his job is homemaker so any money he gets is from me and a few dollars extra so about $65 total) was stolen right out of my wallet in my own home on Saturday! Nope, I don't know who did it. I have suspicions but no way of knowing, how frickin ridiculous is that. The respect level is almost non existent and yet they expect everything out of us. i.e. the 12 year old texted me reminding me that his birthday is in 3 days. He also texted me that the 17 year old is asking for us to turn her phone back on. She still owes me over $300 just for overages and music she downloaded before she left when she was told VERY clearly that wasn't allowed and couldn't be afforded! Why should I take that chance again, not to mention the fact that we are spending more than I make yet noone (including hubby) wants to give up anything (probably me too, but I make the money!) What I want to give up is the Premium Dish Package and just have the basic, the older kids can get a job and pay for their own cell phones, over $300 per month for cell phones really isn't in our budget! If I was realy honest about the 'budget', we are at least $500 short each month. Now the 15 year old is on SSI so we are able to make sure the rent is paid and there is food on the table, THANK GOD. But we are still behind and if I didn't get Student Loans and Tax Returns I don't know what we would do! We are supposed to move in 17 days, but don't have a place to live for sure yet. There is a place, but they don't have their certificate of occupancy back yet and we can't have Section 8 inspect until they do. I don't have damage deposit money and Emergency Assistance will only help if we get an EVICTION notice, not if the landlord sent a letter saying the lease is terminated and we have to move - WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE!? So there are other community agencies I have to call now, but until I know for sure I can move into this place I am stuck. Also, I need a letter from my current landlord stating that he is aware my 15 year old son and 17 year old daughter have moved back in otherwise we only have a 5 bedroom voucher instead of the 6 bedroom we should have an need! and the landlord is not being cooperative. He is quite condescending and I think mean too! Homelessness is not an option and as usual I am going to have to be the one to do all the work to make this happen. I am sick of feeling like a single responsible party when I am married, in a 'partnership', where my husband is supposed to be the head of the household. He says I don't give him a chance to be, but I do and I wait for him to step up and man up and I don't know if I am supposed to just let us become homeless or the bills not get paid or what before I do what has to be done cause he ain't! My morbid obesity doesn't help anything either! It definitely contributes to my depression, my exhaustion, and since I have quit using any drugs or alcohol (over 7 years) and quit smoking (1 1/2 years), about the only thing I can control is my eating and of course that is a comfort and curses me to be a part of a vicious cycle of eat, guilt, eat, guilt, which is actually just like any other addiction except I cannot just stop eating like I could quit smoking and quit using!!!! I did lose 40 pounds on WW over 4 years ago, then I got pregnant with my youngest and started "eating for two" now I weigh more than I ever have in my entire life (enough for two!!!)!!! So now I have no motivation to start losing weight again, yes I want to for my kids, my self, my husband, my overall quality of life, blah, blah, blah, but I still have no motivation! It is hard when my husband says he loves me, yet he seems to look at me in disgust when I am getting dressed - I don't know if that's what it is or if that's how I look at myself! Then today I see in the news that a man who used to work in my building as one of the maintenance people is arrested for beating his 2 year old daughter to death 3 years ago. He kind of disappeared about 1 year ago, just didn't work here anymore and I always wondered what happened to him. He was very nice and always had a smile and he did a good job. What a shocker, what a heart-breaker. To beat a little 2 year old girl because her potty training wasn't perfect (she had an accident). I don't care if you've been drinking or whatever, it is just horrible and she was saying "stop daddy". I am just disgusted and it's hard to reconcile that act with the person I knew!
I guess that's enough for today...
I have had bronchitis for the past 2 weeks and it has kicked my butt. I started my English Comp II class last Monday and coughed most of the way through it! I did get antibiotics on Tuesday 07/07 so I only coughed through part of Wednesday's class. Did I mention that I HATE English, for no rational reason because I enjoy reading, but I do hate writing papers! So I just want to survive this class. I have to start my first paper tonight. My 17 year old (dsd) did come home on June 30th and at first everything seemed to be better than I really believed it could with her - she apologized to me and her dad and was being good with the kids and pretty respectful and talking about the bible. She was being patient and not mouthy and I really thought she had changed. Well, I guess she wasn't gone long enough because although she isn't quite as bad as she was, she is getting darn near it. She wants to be the boss and the 'queen' of the house and if this persists I just don't know what to do because I refuse to live in a constantly stressful tense environment! Although I seem to anyway with everything always going on.
In addition, I live with major depression and have most of life, although I wasn't treated with medication until 11 years ago - wow what a difference. Recently, the med I was on kind of wasn't working well any more so we are trying a new one - Zoloft and it hasn't been long enough yet, but I don't feel it's working any better than the other stuff at this dose, but I have to give it a couple more weeks. So the devil is trying to take advantage of my state like when I drive by cemetary I think how lucky those people are, or I think my 16 year old son would be better off if I was dead cause then he could go and live with his auntie or opa and not have to put up the stress of living at home with us. My husband and my son (his step-son) do not get along so well. Hubby is unrelenting in his criticism and nit-picking with him, when in fact, although he is a typical teenager in a lot of ways and doesn't always do things perfectly (who does?), he is a GREAT son! He does his 'job' more than anyone else, which isn't saying he does it all the time or does it perfectly, but he does it more than the others. Hubby is also jealous of son because him and I are close. My son understands me and some of what I am going through. I try not to burden him with stuff, but he brings up a lot of it up and we just talk about it. But if I bring any of this up with hubby, he doesn't see it, doesn't listen and gets quite defensive and upset. Granted he (hubby of course) is 17 years older than I and from a very different generation/culture, etc. but come on, just saying you are right and not listening to anyone doesn't make you right or mean you shouldn't at least do a little soul searching to see if what is said may have a little truth in it. There is always room for improvement in us. So there is quite a strain on our marriage right now, not just because of this, but there is SO much! The 15 year old who has mental health issues and still poops on himself amongst many other things. The 12 year old (13 in 3 days) who is trying to act like a little gangster. Which brings me to today's whine trigger. The almost 13 year expects stuff for his birthday and the day after his birthday is my 3 year old's 4th birthday and I have NO money! I cannot put gas in my cars right now, I cannot do anything. To top it off, the money I did have for gas and for hubby (his job is homemaker so any money he gets is from me and a few dollars extra so about $65 total) was stolen right out of my wallet in my own home on Saturday! Nope, I don't know who did it. I have suspicions but no way of knowing, how frickin ridiculous is that. The respect level is almost non existent and yet they expect everything out of us. i.e. the 12 year old texted me reminding me that his birthday is in 3 days. He also texted me that the 17 year old is asking for us to turn her phone back on. She still owes me over $300 just for overages and music she downloaded before she left when she was told VERY clearly that wasn't allowed and couldn't be afforded! Why should I take that chance again, not to mention the fact that we are spending more than I make yet noone (including hubby) wants to give up anything (probably me too, but I make the money!) What I want to give up is the Premium Dish Package and just have the basic, the older kids can get a job and pay for their own cell phones, over $300 per month for cell phones really isn't in our budget! If I was realy honest about the 'budget', we are at least $500 short each month. Now the 15 year old is on SSI so we are able to make sure the rent is paid and there is food on the table, THANK GOD. But we are still behind and if I didn't get Student Loans and Tax Returns I don't know what we would do! We are supposed to move in 17 days, but don't have a place to live for sure yet. There is a place, but they don't have their certificate of occupancy back yet and we can't have Section 8 inspect until they do. I don't have damage deposit money and Emergency Assistance will only help if we get an EVICTION notice, not if the landlord sent a letter saying the lease is terminated and we have to move - WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE!? So there are other community agencies I have to call now, but until I know for sure I can move into this place I am stuck. Also, I need a letter from my current landlord stating that he is aware my 15 year old son and 17 year old daughter have moved back in otherwise we only have a 5 bedroom voucher instead of the 6 bedroom we should have an need! and the landlord is not being cooperative. He is quite condescending and I think mean too! Homelessness is not an option and as usual I am going to have to be the one to do all the work to make this happen. I am sick of feeling like a single responsible party when I am married, in a 'partnership', where my husband is supposed to be the head of the household. He says I don't give him a chance to be, but I do and I wait for him to step up and man up and I don't know if I am supposed to just let us become homeless or the bills not get paid or what before I do what has to be done cause he ain't! My morbid obesity doesn't help anything either! It definitely contributes to my depression, my exhaustion, and since I have quit using any drugs or alcohol (over 7 years) and quit smoking (1 1/2 years), about the only thing I can control is my eating and of course that is a comfort and curses me to be a part of a vicious cycle of eat, guilt, eat, guilt, which is actually just like any other addiction except I cannot just stop eating like I could quit smoking and quit using!!!! I did lose 40 pounds on WW over 4 years ago, then I got pregnant with my youngest and started "eating for two" now I weigh more than I ever have in my entire life (enough for two!!!)!!! So now I have no motivation to start losing weight again, yes I want to for my kids, my self, my husband, my overall quality of life, blah, blah, blah, but I still have no motivation! It is hard when my husband says he loves me, yet he seems to look at me in disgust when I am getting dressed - I don't know if that's what it is or if that's how I look at myself! Then today I see in the news that a man who used to work in my building as one of the maintenance people is arrested for beating his 2 year old daughter to death 3 years ago. He kind of disappeared about 1 year ago, just didn't work here anymore and I always wondered what happened to him. He was very nice and always had a smile and he did a good job. What a shocker, what a heart-breaker. To beat a little 2 year old girl because her potty training wasn't perfect (she had an accident). I don't care if you've been drinking or whatever, it is just horrible and she was saying "stop daddy". I am just disgusted and it's hard to reconcile that act with the person I knew!
I guess that's enough for today...
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